So here we are! Day 15 of my cycle. In the last 5 days I have had 2 doctors appointments... The first was last Friday. They did an ultrasound and identified several follicles with one "lead follicle" measuring at about 10mm - they also did bloodwork to monitor my hormone levels and sent me off. The nurse called that afternoon and asked if I could come back Tuesday morning for another check. Which brings us to today. Another ultrasound, more bloodwork! This time, the lead follicle was measuring at almost 17mm.
For healthy ovulation, a follicle should be somewhere between 18-24mm and ovulation can occur anytime between days 11-22 of your cycle.
Given my new measurements and bloodwork, the doctor told us to do the trigger shot Friday night. Ahh! Now, that I know when exactly it will be happening, I keep thinking about it. Probably too much! I am such a wuss when it comes to needles. Especially when they are being administered by a wonderful husband (who is by NO means a nurse) with a history of goofing around.
All of my nerves aside, today the nurse was going over the shot instructions with me and said, "The best way is for you to sit hunched over in a chair where he can easily pinch your stomach fat (side note: I don't have to hunch in a chair to get to stomach fat sweetheart) then just have him pinch the fat and pop the needle in like he is throwing a dart." Oy Vey! A dart? Just pop that sucker in my FAT. Oh wait, it gets better... she then says, "once thats done, make sure he pulls the needle out quickly and straight, then you two need to have relations starting that night and for the next 3 nights." Because I don't know about you, but nothing screams sexy more than me hunched over with him pinching my stomach fat. I swear, sometimes I think God is getting a kick out of all of this.
When I told Mike about this he said, and I quote, "you wanna go to to victoria's secret?" haha I am dying. Bless his heart.
All of this can surely take a toll on the romance in a relationship. It isn't easy to make it seem like you aren't just maiting. Having a funny husband helps that a lot. I am very thankful for his involvement in all of this and for making me laugh when I don't think I can. He has been so patient with me, willing to listen to my crazy, hormone-driven collapses. Today, prior to the nurse calling, I had one of those. I was upset about everything and nothing all at once and he patiently let me rip him a new one while he told me how beautiful I am, inside and out... Either I am the luckiest girl ever, or he wasn't listening. ;) Either way, he's the right one for me and I thank God each day for him!

...and clearly I'm excited about it. These last (almost) 4 months of trying to shrink my monster cyst were slow, and painful! I am so glad that it's finally gone! I felt like I had passed it recently, but then I was worried, maybe I felt another one.

Not only is the cyst gone but the nurse said she a bunch of healthy follicles on both sides. :D

So, if you don’t know - the cysts (that I get frequently) cause me to not be able to take the fertility meds that help me ovulate regularly which dramatically increases our chances of getting pregnant. A few months ago, during my monthly scan, a huge cyst was sitting on my left ovary, and since that time we have just been waiting for it to go away. I didn't know if it would burst (ouch) or shrink down and disappear, so I sort of felt like a ticking time bomb. Lucky for me, I think this cyst did a little of both. The next month's ultrasound showed that my one giant 7cm cyst had split in two -leaving one at 4cm and the other at 3cm. My doctor felt sure that was the cyst beginning to break apart. From that time on they have just been having my come back each month to see if it's gone and this month it was! Completely GONE, praise God!

Tonight I will start my medicine. I left my paper in the car, but I believe I will take 2 pills a day starting today through Monday. I also have to get back on Pregnitude (an over the counter powdered vitamin that helps support the development of healthy follicles) and my prenatal. I will go back to the doctor on February 21st for a
follicle scan. They will look to see if I have a (or two) healthy follicle. If I do, Mike and I will go home and he will give me an injection. Not the kind you are thinking of ;) not yet anyway! ha.

He will be giving me a shot (eek) in my stomach (ahh) we like to call a trigger shot. Again, I don't have the
paperwork in front of me to tell you the name of the drug, but, he has to mix it up, put it in the syringe, and pop a needle into my stomach fat. Talking about it makes the roof of my mouth itch. I get so nervous. I asked the nurse, probably 50 times, if there is any way he could do it wrong and kill me. She just laughed at me and told me no, it's not a big deal. What I wouldn't give to have a nurse friend here in Orlando that would be willing to do that for me! I trust Mike, but let's be honest, attention to detail isn't his strong suit, and I know he'll be making jokes the whole time about it being like a dart board.


If my understanding is correct, the shot should cause my body to release the egg in about 24 hours - ovulation! Then it's pretty much the birds and the bees from there on out. I will return to the doctor if/when I get a positive
test or start my period. If I don't get pregnant, we start the process all over again as long as I don't have any cysts...

So here we go! On track and moving forward! Progress!

I do want to take a minute to say how thankful I am for all the sweet people in my life that are always checking on us, asking me what’s going on, and making sure we're doing ok. I love the notes I get from people reading the blog and telling me how much they like it and that we are in their prayers. Every bit helps me to keep going, and for that I am grateful!


as always,

< 3 faithful, hopeful, peaceful, patient <3

Today is cycle day 3. I started my period on time this month and called right away so I could get my ultrasound scheduled, and today is that day. I have a 1pm appointment, and if all goes well, I will be starting some meds tonight. Fingers crossed that my cyst(s) are GONE. They have been with me for almost 3 months now, and I'm ready to get a green light. Trust me, I want nothing more than to go into an ultrasound and see something in there, but a cyst isn't what I'm looking for. I know this is all working towards the greater good and believe it or not, right now, I am feeling pretty patient.
Lately, I have been praying a lot for peace. I told myself I wouldn't ask God anymore for a baby directly, but rather just pray for peace in all of this. Peace and patience go hand in hand and, in my case anyway, you can't have one without the other. For me, peace is the bigger obstacle. If I can find peace in all of this, I will then be patient, settle down, and let God's will be done. That is how I feel now, peaceful. God knows I want a baby, Everyone that knows me knows I want a baby, but for now, my focus is shifting to controlling more of my part in this and letting the parts I can't control go, by giving them up to God.
Hopefully, later today I will be able to post another blog giving the details on the medicine I will be starting.... fingers crossed!

<3 faithful, hopeful, peaceful, patient <3

Well sort of.... I haven't been back to the doctor yet, butttt.....

I have been a little down on this whole topic
lately. I kept feeling like I was just getting setbacks and not really moving
forward. Last time, they told me the cyst wasn't gone, although it looked like
it was moving out, and that I should take birth control and come back in, in 3
weeks for an ultrasound. That was the plan, but I hate being on birth control.
It makes me feel fat and moody and miserable, so, I didn't take it this month.
Maybe I will regret it again, but I just didn't feel like it was the right
choice for me. The cyst will go away on its own eventually, with or without the
pills, so I prefer without! Then last week, I started thinking, maybe I should
buy and OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit).

In the past, I have done OPKs and
NEVER gotten a positive result. Plenty of women have this same issue, but get
pregnant, while others truly aren't ovulating. My sister-in-law couldn't get a
positive to save her life, but got pregnant fairly easily. My doctor told me not
to stress over them, so I never really thought much of all my negatives. I never
put much weight in them in general... so it was strange that I felt like my
heart was telling me to buy the kit. I did last week, and I started counting my
cycle days, determining when to start testing. That was about 4 days ago, and I
have been testing each morning since. Each time the 2nd line has gotten darker -
still technically negative but getting closer and closer to a positive. Then
this morning, bam, the two lines were the same color = a positive result. OPK's
measure the LH levels in your body. LH is a hormone that surges about 24 hours
prior to "peak ovulation". I am going to do another test this evening, but I am
thrilled that I am finally seeing some action, AND I am not currently on ANY
fertility meds. Of course, it is no guarantee that if we try to make a baby, we
will, but it is a step in the right direction.

So fingers crossed, prayers said, and hearts open and optimistic that maybe we will get more + signs
in our future. God willing, of course!

I didn't have a chance to blog about my doctor’s appointment yesterday. Honestly, I didn't really want too. After my appointment on Tuesday, I left the doctor's office unsure of how I felt. The ultrasound tech said my scan last month showed a cyst measuring at 7cm and that she would be checking to see if it was gone... For reference, I just pulled out a ruler, 7cm is a little over 2.5 inches, about the size of a baseball. This month, she saw 2 cysts, 1 measuring about 4 cm the other about 3. She didn't know what to tell me, other than that the my nurse would be calling me.

I left confused. How did I have one giant cyst and now 2 smaller. All I could think is what is so wrong with my body that I can't get rid of these damned cysts? I was upset. 

I returned to work and tried to go on with day. The nurse called around 4 to tell me that the doctor thinks the two cysts are actually the one cysts beginning to break apart, hopefully, preparing to leave my body. Good news
right? My body, albeit slowly, is trying to get rid of the cyst. Moving in the right direction! However, I still can't move forward with the medicine, so it'sanother month of "patiently" waiting, plus 3 weeks of birth control, followed by another ultrasound to check the status. I am going to take the birth control this month. I want to get this over with and move on..

I know I'm not alone in this. I have my husband, who is living it with me, my sweet family and friends who ask for updates and tell me how much they love my blog, how much it means to them that I write from my heart, and of course my God. My ever faithful, always loving, God. I know as long as I am seeking for what pleases
His heart, I won't ever be alone in this. I can honestly say I haven't felt alone in this in a long time. It doesn't mean I don’t feel disappointment. It doesn't mean I don't get discouraged. I absolutely do, but I will continue to
keep going and work through this because I know God wants me to have the desires of my heart. Desires that will honor Him, and speak as a witness to His love. 

<3 <3 <3

Tomorrow morning at 11:15 I will head to my first doctor's appointment of the new year! This year is going to be different. As much as I LOVE Dr. Jaffe and her staff at CRM I am really hoping this will be my last year going there! I am seriously hoping for a big turnaround in the luck department tomorrow, and this year in general.

The purpose of tomorrow's appointment is to scan my ovaries again. Typically, I would do this on the 2nd or 3rd day of my cycle, but because they are looking to see what has changed since last month, I can do it now rather than wait on my cycle to start - which is awesome.

I doubt I will even see my doctor tomorrow, most likely it will just be a quick ultrasound. Ideally, a quick, blank ultrasound :). It would be great to see 2 quiet ovaries, just hanging out, waiting for ovulation. At last month's appointment I wasn't so lucky. She found a large cyst on my left ovary which meant I wasn't allowed to take that months round of medicine. They also wanted me to take birth control to help my body get rid of the cyst...


I was really upset about all of it. I felt like it was another speed bump, slowing me down, and after prayer and talking to Mike, I just decided to let the month go. I didn't take the birth control, I tried my best to put it out of
my mind, and I focused on Christmas and my family. It ended up being very nice. I don't want to waste another month, but my forced break was good for me, for us.

So tomorrow, we will find out if the cyst is gone, or at least small enough to not get in the way of things. If it is, I will be so happy! It will mean we can get back to trying, and I feel like we are getting close! If it isn't, I will probably be mad at myself for not taking the bc pills. I am sure I will cry a little, frustration will set in, but I am going to do my best to remind myself that it's all in His timing. I am just eager to get things moving again.

Please say a little prayer for a stree free ultrasound result tomorrow. I will be praying,

In a quick response, if you asked me about 2013, my knee-jerk reaction would be to say it sucked. The first things that pops into my brain is my miscarriage, and the fact that another year has passed and I am not pregnant. Fertility, even when I fight it back, is always creeping into my number one position of thoughts. I try to not think about it, stress about it, but it isn't just as easy as turning off a switch for me. That being said, fertility wise, 2013 was a really hard year. I can't keep count of the tears I've shed this year, I spent more time then I would have liked sulking. Yet, when I really think about the last year of my life, I see a lot of sunshine too. I've been blessed with an incredible husband and son who love me when I'm happy, sad, or crazy on fertility meds. I spent the year growing as a person. I learned so much about myself, and my relationship with God became incredibly strong. I got back up when things knocked me down, granted it wasn't a graceful leap up, more like a stumble, but up none-the-less! I've learned to let go of things I can't control...meh more like I am still learnING ;) I've also had some really great moments this year!  Mike and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary! My sweet boy started 1st grade! My extended family grew in size! I've let go of relationships that were negative and in turn, we've been granted new friendships that are such a blessing! I am alive, my family is healthy and my God is faithful! I will keep walking this road before me and I will take it in stride. I am thankful for all the things I have, my cup runneth over!
With a little luck, and a lot of faith, I move forward to 2014 with arms wide open. This is going to be a great year, not a year without struggle, not a year without tears, but another year of growing and finding peace in my own skin. :)

Happy New Year,

Jordan <3

As you can probably guess from the title of this post, my appointment didn't go well this morning. At all. All I needed was two blank ovaries - no cysts, just nothing... she said my uterus looks great, my right ovary was fine, and then she scanned over to the left. It is always that left ovary. There, like a baseball, was a giant cyst. Huge is the word she used actually. She told me I must have a high tolerance for pain because this thing should be hurting, if not now, soon. Great! So no medicine, no baby, pain, oh and icing on the cake... I have to go on birth control. I fought back the tears until I got into my car and I just let it all out. I sobbed in the car the entire way back to work. I called Mike and I could tell he was disappointed too. He made me feel better, he always does, but I just feel like we flew backwards 10 steps. Can I just catch a break? I'm sure in a day or two I will gather myself and be more optimistic, I will pray about this and ask God for clarity and peace, but for now I just want to cry and sulk, and pour myself a big glass of wine...

There is no better time to get pregnant then during the advent season, right?! I absolutely love Christmas, and every year I really look forward to its arrival. This year has been a little tough, though. Honestly, I thought for sure I'd have a baby in my arms this Christmas. In fact - a few days ago would have been my due date, had I not miscarried. :( While it makes me sad, I have to remember that it didn't coincide with God's plan and I have to remain faithful, joyful, and diligent in prayer. I know what I'm asking Santa for this year, a big ole' + sign!
 
After the doctor determined that I didn't ovulate in November, I was really really ready to start my cycle over and get on to next month. You know a girl has lost it, when she's wishing her period would just hurry up already! Yesterday, Mike and I met with Dr. Jaffe to discuss "the next steps". I know I gush about her a lot, but I have to again. She has a way of always making me feel better about my situation, she is so confident in this happening for us, and it's reassuring to hear from a doctor. We went through our questions, talked about what we want and don’t want, and basically set our plan in place for December. I was to call her on day 1 of my cycle to set up a day 2 ultrasound so we could proceed with the plan. My period has been a few days late, but my body was telling me it was coming anytime now, and today it finally came! It's like getting underwear for Christmas. You need underwear, it isn't your favorite thing to get, but it is a necessity. I got my underwear, my need is fulfilled and it's a new month! So, tomorrow I go in for an internal ultrasound. I am seemingly less excited about that. :/
Hopefully tomorrow they clear me to take the medicine I was on last month again. They will be looking to make sure I am clear of cysts, and ready for some ovulation stimulation ;). If all goes well, I will begin medication on Saturday for 5 days, followed by a day 10-12 ultrasound to check for healthy follicles (aka eggs). This is where some decisions will have to be made. I have the option at that point to a.) move forward naturally OR b.) take an injection (eek) of hsg that Mike would be administering (double eek) that would force the egg to drop down into the tube. Sort of assisting my body in making sure I ovulate. While I like the idea of getting this show on the road, I am terrified of needles and the thought of anyone other than a nurse doing it makes me shaky. I also prefer the natural route as much as possible in all of this. So I am a little torn. I think I may just keep praying about it and decide when I have to!
Last month clearly wasn't the month for pregnancy, but I am hoping this one is. Funny enough, the Chinese gender calendar says last month would have yielded a boy and this month a girl, so I'm going to just roll with that as the reason I didn't ovulate. :) I'd be lying if I said I didn't want a girl, I totally do, but first and foremost I want a healthy baby. I would be thrilled either way!

I'm sure I'll be blogging again before Christmas! I should have an ultrasound right before then and I should also have a decision made on which option we are going to choose. Hopefully, through prayer, I get a clear answer on that! So for the next few weeks I will be taking all my vitamins, following doctor's orders, and praying like mad. Maybe a little Christmas luck will go a longgg way! I appreciate everyone's kind words and prayers - I know yall are routing for us, and I can't wait for the time when we get to celebrate a new life with all of you!

Welp, we made it through Thanksgiving! We got home from DC early Sunday morning and spent most of the day trying to relax and get ready for the week. DC was so much fun! I loved getting to have some time with my family, meeting new family, and catching up with one of my oldest friends. DC was beautiful. I was actually shocked at how pretty I thought it was.. We'd never been there before, and I didn't really know what to expect, but my hopes weren't too high because politicians are well, frankly, the opposite of DC! It was big, clean, open, and refreshing. It was also FREEZING! We saw almost everything on our list - we hit most of the monuments, The Museum of Natural Histoy and the American History museum, as well as the National Zoo.. I have to round up pictures from my mom and sister, as well as Mike, but here are some quick ones from my phone...

Jake in the WWII Memorial with the Washington Monument in the background.

Family Picture in front of the White House.

Jake & the Giant Panda!

The trip really was wonderful. We had a lot of time to just be together, which is something that gets taken for granted in the normal day-to-day activities. I love my boys, and my family so much.

In fertility news, I wish I could be feeling as full. Wednesday morning, before our flight, I had to run to the doctors for bloodwork. They were really hoping I would test high for progesterone - the hormone your body releases after ovulation - which would mean I did ovulate, and I just missed the testing. After arriving in DC, I got a call that my bloodwork came back negative for progesterone, meaning I did not ovulate. :( I decided to push it in the back of my mind and focus on being on vacation with my family. I don't even think I told anyone, other than Mike, about the call. I just wanted to shelf it for the time being. The nurse asked me to call Monday morning to get an appointment for a follow-up. She said "we can talk about what's next when you're here". So right now I don't really know whats going on. I am really bummed I didn't ovulate. I knew I hadn't though. Without getting to graphic, there are some changes in a woman's body when she's ovulating. Some women may never notice them, but once you have been tracking for as long as I have... you know, and I knew I hadn't. One part of me kind of feels like we are back to the drawing board. Starting over again. The other part thinks maybe my body just needed another month to heal from surgery and maybe this next month will be my month. I'm praying for patience, clarity, strength, and thanking Him for all of the wonderful things He has gifted to me, not because I am deserving, but because He loves me regardless.